Tag Archives: baking

These Black Pepper Cookies Are Not to be Sneezed At

29 Oct

Hello boys and ghouls! Today I will be teaching you how to make black pepper cookies. They are perfect for Halloween because they sound terrifying.

Ingredients.

  • ¾ cup butter
  • ¾ teaspoon black pepper
  • ¾ teaspoon cinnamon
  • ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
  • 1 ½ teaspoons vanilla essence
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 egg
  • 1 ½ cups self-raising flour
  • ¼ teaspoon salt-dough
  • 3/4 cup cocoa

Method.

1. Preheat your oven to 200 degrees and grease a baking sheet.

2. Mix the butter, pepper, cinnamon, cloves and vanilla essence together until soft.

3. Mix in the sugar until light and fluffy, then add the egg (beaten) and mix well.

4. Add the dry ingredients and blend thoroughly until a firm dough is formed.

5. Flour a rolling pin (if you don’t have one a bottle of wine will do) and roll out the dough.

6. Use a floured cookie cutter or glass to CUT SOME SHAPES ON THE D-FLOOR! Except not on the dance floor, probably on your kitchen surfaces and don’t dance actually because you’ll mess up the shapes.

7. Put them on the baking sheet and bake for around 12 minutes.

These spicy cookies are hella rad so if you don’t like them you probably did something wrong.

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Hey You. Eat This Red Velvet Twat Cake

24 Aug

Everyone is always saying to me, “Baking is so hard. You have to be so precise. Your hair is amazing.” But I disagree. Putting the confused politics of cupcake-feminism aside, baking is a fucking piece of cake.

Cake is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You shouldn’t be afraid to mess up, you’re just basically mixing some eggs and flour together until they resemble something remotely delicious.

This recipe for red velvet cake is testament to the idea that you can tamper with the rules however you like. The original called for buttermilk and baking soda and a bunch of other crap I didn’t want to walk to the store to buy, so I tweaked it and it still came out like a beautiful red cheeseburger. Just look at it.

Ingredients.

  • 3 eggs
  • 3/4 cup butter
  • 3 cups self-raising flour
  • 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • 2 tbsp red food dye
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1/2 tsp. vinegar

Method.

  1. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees. Grease two cake tins.
  2. Combine the flour, cocoa powder and salt in one bowl. In another bowl, mix the butter (you might need to leave it out to soften first), sugar and vanilla until they are combined. Add the eggs one at a time, then mix in the food colouring.
  3. Add part flour, part milk bit by bit and mix until it’s all used up. Add the vinegar (I don’t know what this is for either).
  4. Put the mixture into your two cake tins. Bake for twenty-five minutes. Cool.
  5. Ice however you like. Mine looked like this:
Let them eat twat.