Archive | August, 2011

Hey You. Eat This Red Velvet Twat Cake

24 Aug

Everyone is always saying to me, “Baking is so hard. You have to be so precise. Your hair is amazing.” But I disagree. Putting the confused politics of cupcake-feminism aside, baking is a fucking piece of cake.

Cake is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You shouldn’t be afraid to mess up, you’re just basically mixing some eggs and flour together until they resemble something remotely delicious.

This recipe for red velvet cake is testament to the idea that you can tamper with the rules however you like. The original called for buttermilk and baking soda and a bunch of other crap I didn’t want to walk to the store to buy, so I tweaked it and it still came out like a beautiful red cheeseburger. Just look at it.

Ingredients.

  • 3 eggs
  • 3/4 cup butter
  • 3 cups self-raising flour
  • 1 tablespoon cocoa powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • 2 tbsp red food dye
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1/2 tsp. vinegar

Method.

  1. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees. Grease two cake tins.
  2. Combine the flour, cocoa powder and salt in one bowl. In another bowl, mix the butter (you might need to leave it out to soften first), sugar and vanilla until they are combined. Add the eggs one at a time, then mix in the food colouring.
  3. Add part flour, part milk bit by bit and mix until it’s all used up. Add the vinegar (I don’t know what this is for either).
  4. Put the mixture into your two cake tins. Bake for twenty-five minutes. Cool.
  5. Ice however you like. Mine looked like this:
Let them eat twat.
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Conform, Consume, Obey: Sound FX Headbands

20 Aug

BOOM! Aren’t they neat?  There’s something vaguely amusing about looking like you’ve stepped right out of a graphic novel whilst receiving a non-fatal blow to the head. …Maybe that’s just me.

On a side note, I was wearing one of these when Laurie Penny told me I looked like Tinkerbelle. Just sayin’.

You can buy one of these muthas from janinebasil’s Etsy store.

Hey You. Eat This Fairy Bread.

4 Aug

Nobody in the UK has heard of fairy bread. They’re all into dignified things like hobnobs. And scones.

But fairy bread is pretty much a staple at children’s parties in the Land of Oz. Let me show you how!

Look at this delicious thing.

Look at this delicious thing.

Ingredients.

  • White bread (it muft be white)
  • Rainbow sprinkles
  • Butter/something you can’t believe isn’t butter

Method.

1.  Spread a thin layer of butter or butter-like substance on the bread. Some people like to remove the crusts too but then you won’t get curly hair.

2.  Sprinkle the things on the stuff.

3.  You’re freaking done!

Easy, amirite? I think these would be good for like a Gay Pride picnic, as they are sort of rainbow and also it is called ‘fairy bread.’